Earth Sends Giant Blob to Fight Humanity
In what surely isn’t a sign of the impending apocalypse, a giant as-yet-unidentified organic mass is floating past Alaska this week, heading for warmer waters and possibly looking for retribution.
According to the North Slope Borough’s Planning and Community Services Department, the mass is “thick, and dark and gooey,” with hairy strands running throughout, and feeds on six-pack holders and sea lions.
Usually, when it comes to giant floating aqua-blobs, experts can attribute the object’s origins to oil spills, or algae or the like. It is a little bit freaky that, in this case, no one has yet ever seen something like this before. Did I mention that one patch of it is 15 miles long? And that it seems to have ingested several birds that have landed on it?
I’ve seen enough Blob-genre movies to know that we should stop allowing this thing to feed. And letting it slowly warm itself as it drifts down from the Arctic isn’t the best idea either. It’s time to start hoarding CO2 fire extinguishers and maintaining a vigilant eye for any neighborhood objects resembling liver.