Okay, so I’ll admit it, I get most of my news from the Daily Show and whatever catches my attention on the front page of msn.com as I’m logging onto my email.

Big news is Miss California claiming she lost her title due to her anti-gay marriage answer during the Miss USA competition.  Well, I had to watch the clip, didn’t I?

Well, go ahead if you haven’t already.  You know you want to.

So, I would like to say on behalf of everyone, both pro and anti-gay marriage people, that it was not your stance that lost you the crown.  It was your inability to speak in a coherent manner.

1) The two types of marriage, if you want to be so simplistic, would be same-sex marriage or marriage between a man and a woman.  It would NOT be same-sex marriage or…how you say, “opposite marriage.”

2) Referring to your state or family as “my country” is probably not what they are looking for in a Miss USA representative.

3) “I think that I believe that” is I think what grammar nerds would call a passive voice and is thoroughly frowned upon.

4) Lastly, simply because you were “raised” in a family where members believed things to be a particular way does not mean you HAVE to continue that frame of mind.  How else do we progress as a species if generation after generation just clings to what they are taught, never educating themselves and challenging the status quo?  (Please note that if you were raised to believe something, then educate yourself about other ways of thinking but ultimately decide to continue to believe what you were originally taught, that is something entirely different.  After all, sometimes father does know best.)

Speaking of the 1950’s, you’ll be surprised to hear that most Miss USA 2009 contestants would like to return there, if they happened upon a time machine.

Oh, Miss Washington, how you do me wrong (I’m from Seattle).  Miss North Carolina chose the 1950’s because “they are the golden years…everything was fabulous,” while Miss Hawaii would return for the “red lipstick and the lashes.”

There were some that broke with the norm.  Take Miss West Virginia who chose the 1940’s.  She liked the cool hair.

Getting spicy, Miss Colorado would go back to the 1980’s because “that’s where (she’s) from” and she’d like to witness the “big hair.”  Joined by Miss Georgia who liked it because it was “an in-between time” and Miss Rhode Island who would like to see her mother in high school.

Getting saucy, Miss Vermont would go back to the 1970’s due to the “totally different approach to life.”

Unfortunately, Miss California chose the present day –an answer she might want to change now.  However, she was right on for the next part of her answer (what super-power she’d want) which was to stop time.  A power that might have helped her…maybe…if she stopped and had a few extra minutes…to think…about what to say…maybe not.

But my favorite is Miss Texas who would return to…”the western era” because she’s a “big cowboy girl.”  So sad that she doesn’t know when that was, nor that she probably could go there by just going home.  Although I guess home is a bit tough due to her two small dogs “who are terrors” — she would like to have a super-power of invisibility for the simple goal of spying on them to see how they accomplish their daily destruction of her home.

Miss Virginia almost won my heart with her desire to return to the French Revolution, risking the guillotine for her love of cheese.  She’s followed closely by Miss Iowa who’d like to go back to Ancient Egypt to spend one day with Cleopatra and then leave so she isn’t turned into a slave.

Lastly, please explain to me how Miss Connecticut made it as far as she did.  She is…let’s say, possibly a socio…er, different, clinically speaking of course.  (Please note, fittingly, the volume is only in one ear.)

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