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Do Not Hug This Man
Useful tutorial brought to you by shlock warehouse, Everything is Terrible.
Breaking News: Jesus Chooses Arizona Cardinals
This could not have been an easy decision for the lord almighty. But ultimately, this Kurt Warner arts and crafts project (pictured below) won the necessary divine favor to advance to the Superbowl…
Someone might argue that Jesus wouldn’t particularly warm up to this three-headed Cerberus-looking chimera that the All-Pro Quarterback has sketched here. But, then again, this man is the alternative:
Eagles’ defensive back Brian Dawkins makes several mistakes in this piece. First of all, praying to a football is probably something that would piss off Jesus. Not to mention the fact that there are 24 footballs in play in the average NFL playoff game. So, while your personal football deity is being toweled off on the sidelines, some Unclean Heretical Football is making friends with Larry Fitzgerald.
Also, I’m pretty sure that Wolverine does not appear anywhere in the New Testament.
Not to mention his dabbling in voodoo rituals to ward off opponent field goals. Talk about mixing metaphors. These Eagles have gone well beyond the divine in a desperate effort to conjure a Superbowl ring.
Maybe next year Mr. Dawkins should try playing football the way that Jesus would. And that is to say, not at all.
Daft Punk + Freeland: Aer Obama
This video completely knocked me on my ass. It is stunningly good. Couldn’t wait until Tuesday to post. Enjoy…
Via Greendot Films.
Tired of Rejection…?
In this putrid economy, searching a job via the internet can be a very self destructive exercise. Application e-mails get lost in the void like so many pieces of space garbage, orbiting the neglected inbox of some pimply quasi-intern, who’s been tasked with the responsibility of reading through a thousand thousand pleas to be interviewed for the opening on the turd-polishing team.
Well, friends, seekers, here is the first tool in your toolbox to combat this trend. I give you the anti-rejection e-mail template:
———————————————————
Dear Overstressed Manager of Applications,
I realize that this is but one of literally thousands of e-mails you receive on a weekly basis requesting entry into your project. I cannot imagine what sort of voodoo-esque speed-reading rituals you must have developed over the course of your training to deal with this reality.
Perhaps, as a consummate Scrabbble player, you only invite in applicants whose names feature ‘X,’ ‘Q,’ and ‘Z’ prominently. Perhaps you print out the e-mails and craft paper dirigibles, powered by microwaved popcorn vapor, to see whose can reach the cubicle furthest along the horizon.
It is not meant for me to know these things. But having briefly spoken to the standing Chieftain of the Overstressed Manager of
E-mails, I got the sense that you had paltry little time to listen to an individual plead their case for entry, no matter the circumstance.
And yet, here I am pleading such a case. You, sir or madam, would do well for yourself to invite me in for a meeting. I am not a random spamling of an e-mail sender. I am a transcendent talent, the likes of which Overstressed Managers such as yourself spend a lifetime in an utterly futile pursuit of.
E-mails like this do not end up in your lap willy-nilly. You have just won the Grand Powerball Lottery of anonymous e-mails. I suggest you act on it immediately, and craft a mighty paper dirigible that files striaght and true over the heads of awestruck cubiclees everywhere.
I await your very personalized and heartfelt response…
Sincerely,
Your Name Here
Play From Your F***ing Heart
Classic clip from my favorite comic (and soothsayer) of all time, Bill Hicks. Because of his heavily anti-commercial slant, he never got a great deal of mainstream media coverage. This is something that George Carlin was able to overcome, to some extent. But now they’re both gone, and we desperately need a like-minded voice…
By the way, the sound effect Hicks makes when he puts the mic inside his mouth is supposed to be the sound of pop stars selling out while fellating Satan.
Console Gaming in a Nutshell
Neat little timeline of the history of video games. A few glaring omissions include Intellivision (my first personal gaming system), Commodore 64 (a competitor in the cartridge gaming market), and Turbo Graphx 16 (the red-headed stepchild of the Super Nintendo). Also, the Super Nintendo pictured in the piece looks to me like a model of the Super Famicom, the Japanese counterpart.
A Short Visual History of Videogames from Kyle Downes on Vimeo.
The Death of Journalism
I know I’m at risk of becoming a one-trick pony here in posting about news stories that are obvious and/or silly over and over, but hey – there’s been a flurry of same lately.
I could almost submit the above without comment, since it seems so self-evidently nonsensical to me. Does CNN think the nation was waiting, on pins and needles, for Hillary’s coin-toss decision between announcing that she would push for a smarter U.S. or a dumber U.S.? Did CNN have a potential article revved up in red “DEVELOPING STORY” border for Clinton announcing that she planned to sit on her duff for four years?
Or perhaps the only alternate headlines considered were “Clinton is this reporter’s personal favorite person alive” and “Clinton ‘could run for God’ in four years”.
Journalism, I miss you.
Misunderestimation
If you ever wonder why everything in the financial world is a stunning surprise and all results are different than expectations, this article should help you stop wondering.
In it, we learn that a worsening economy that lost 2.6 million jobs in a year, almost all of them in the last 6 months, could (mind that word now, could) lose 2.0 million jobs in the next year.
WHAT?
So, economists’ math goes like this:
-2,600,000 jobs
+worse job market
——————
-2,000,000 million jobs
Apparently, a “worse job market” means “600,000 jobs better than a better job market”.
And we wonder how things got this bad.