A guy tried to pick me up the other day and it was so bad that I thought I would share how bad it was so that others can learn from his mistakes.

1) Do NOT try to pick up a woman while in a Pizza Hut line inside a Target.

2) DO notice that she is buying two individual size pizzas and is carrying a huge bag of diapers.

3) Do NOT try to pick up a woman while you are wearing a sleeping 1.5 year old in a carrier strapped to your front.

4) DO know that she helped you pick up the dollar bill you dropped because she thought you were a fellow parent and understood your situation.  She did NOT do it to give you an opening to hit on her AND when she realizes that you took advantage of the situation to lure her into a conversation, she will NOT be happy.  You don’t want to make momma unhappy.

5) Do NOT try to pick up a woman by asking her “Do you know any good restaurants around here,” followed by, “Do you know where this conversation is going?”

6) DO note that her wedding ring glitters brilliantly in the fluorescent Target lighting and she’s not just wearing the ring because her husband would be pissed if she wasn’t.  She’s also wearing it to send a message to men just like you and the message is not “come hither you hunka hunka…ooo, is that an Ergo?”

No I’m not suggesting we ban Mariah Carey’s attempt at movie making.  Nor do I mean the harmless, though annoying, glitter graphics people add to their Myspace and Friendster pages.  Finally, I’m not suggesting we waste our valuable legislative time banning Paris Hilton’s addition to the already overly saturated perfume industry.  I’m making a simple request.  Ban that stupid, little bitty, sparkly crap that they attach to greeting cards.  All other forms of fairy dust are fine by me.  After all, we Meppers hate the War on Drugs.

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I love my little blackberry pearl.  But its auto script makes no sense and it doesn’t seem to be learning.  I’ve decided that it has gone “#5 is alive” on me and is choosing words it wants instead of what would be logical for me to write.

If you don’t have one, each button has 2 letters that it stands for; you’re supposed to type and the program deciphers what word it thinks you mean to write.  It can make typing fast, but it requires you read your email or text message before you click send.

In the beginning it was easy mistakes — “are” instead of “see” — (one touch to the a/s button and two touches to the e/r button).  But now I think it’s just getting cheeky: “kilt” instead of “july,” “beef” instead of “need,” “gay” instead of “hat,” “yofat” instead of “today.” I’m not sure what recourse I have.  I can’t wash its mouth out with soap.

Well, I wasn’t banned, I was kicked out.  And well, I didn’t meet one of the requirements of the group: members must attend a get together within the first 30 days of joining.  But I was busy Mepping!!!

So now I’m left having to try to meet moms at the park.  I feel like I’m trying to pick them up:

“You live around here?”

“Come here often?”

“Know of any fun things to do around here?”

“So, can I have your number?”

Sigh…I need to start a dating service for stay-at-home moms.  Ewomb.com

By featured, I mean that the “Meep” sound was on the show.  By on the show, I mean that the characters had to say “Meep” over and over to solve a problem.  And well, “Meep” wasn’t actually a sound for the Mep Report Emu…it was the sound the little circles made on that episode’s featured artwork the Tree of Life, by Klimt.  But it’s pretty much a huge nod to our show…We might have to have Russ harrass them like The Onion for stealing our golden air waves of goodness.