Given that, hearing about the inner workings of DisneyCorp, was an irresistible opportunity.

Greg Gets a Mortgage (and Becomes an Adult), Russ Gets a Bear (and Becomes a Psychic), Storey Gets a Twin (and Becomes a Skeptic), Kobe Bryant and Jimmy Kimmel Destroy Society One Video Game at a Time, The Meppers Get Immersed, and Everything is Awesome In Sloooooowwww-Moooooo.

Download Mep Report #124

So, uh, I know the Internet makes it hard to filter ads for potential poor taste. But this pairing I just ran across (above) was kind of ridiculous…

It’s a little like advertising “Jaws” on an article about a tragic shark attack. Or some movie about a bombing on a news report of a terrorist attack.

In some ways, it may even be worse, because “Nightmare on Elm Street” is gratuitous – it entertains us with the very idea of gore. At least that’s the theory. While I like thrillers and suspense, I don’t really understand the appeal of gory slashers, especially those helmed by monochromatic evil madmen.

The thing is, the nature of Internet advertising makes these advertising failures even more likely, because it’s (A) automatic and (B) based on keywords. What kinds of keywords are the “Nightmare” promoters likely to put in their ad? Knife, murder, attack… And what’s this article about?

Maybe we should just stop being entertained by gratuitous violence in the first place.

Click here to see what ad you get with this grisly story!

Clea Can’t Get No Satisfaction; Greg’s Life in Three Dimensions; Jackie Chan and the Masochistic Dragon Swoon; Mep Report Rare Ostrich Steak Attack GO!!!!!; The World According to EPCOT; We’re Much More Trekkie Than You; and Sometimes Horrible Is In The Middle of Good.

Download Mep Report #119

Okay, so little babies like to take their socks off….and that is just so annoying because who wants a sock-less baby? That’s about as bad as a baseball player without a codpiece.  So we gotta do something about that–and now we can, thanks, again, to our friends at One Step Ahead (those friends who are always…one step ahead of us…).

We can buy straps that will keep those suckers on.  No matter how those little rascals pull, their socks aren’t coming off!

…Er…

Okay, I’ll say it.  What’s the over/under on how long it would take for a baby to become clinically insane from the intense frustration of not being able to remove their socks?  Am I the only one that doesn’t have a baby that would just say, “Oh! It appears that these things don’t seem to come off…oh well, I guess I’ll just continue to stare at the ceiling.”

Okay, so your son is a bed wetter…my condolences…so you make him wear underwear that has a “comfortable” sensor pad that connects to a “tiny” alarm that you can clip to his pajama top.  Any time he has an accident during the night, the alarm will be triggered and will let out a “distinctive warbling sound” that will get his attention.  Um.  As a parent, who has survived the first two years of having a baby (a time period where you are kicked headlong into the depths of sleep deprivation), I would like to recommend that you don’t wake your sleeping child up with a loud warbling sound.  I want to save you from wasting your time and money, because unfortunately “due to health reasons” One Step Ahead cannot accept returns of this product.

In a recent episode of Handy Manny titled “Home Sweet Home,” a neighborhood child plays a dangerous game of duck, duck, goose called “nut, nut, bolt” with the tools (click on the episode title, watch or skip intro, and then click the scroll bar to -03:22 to see the abhorrent scene).

I attended the midnight premiere of teeny-bopper sensation Twilight: New Moon, this morning. Having re-read that sentence after writing it, I am probably as baffled as you are as to why I agreed to go along with it. Suffice to say, I have a friend who is a big Twilight fan, and I didn’t want her to have to brave the crowd alone, so agreed to do a solid for her while also fulfilling a morbid curiosity to figure out what this Twilight phenomenon was all about.

And hey, I figured maybe there was an outside chance I could find something to like about Twilight. I mean, I love the song “Twilight” by ELO (which is initially what I thought the movies were a derivative of), I didn’t completely 100% loathe Underworld, another Vampire/Werewolf genre piece, and, way back in the day, I actually thoroughly enjoyed Interview with the Vampire.

Of course, I realize that the genre didn’t start with Ann Rice either, but there does seem to be a great deal more substance in these pieces as we trace them closer to their original source. The new genre of Vampire fare (including HBO’s True Blood) seem to be what happens when you make a copy of a copy of a copy. The whole thing gets incredibly fuzzy, and the quality drops off the table.

While standing in line amidst a throng of teenaged (and wistfully nostalgic honorary teenaged) girls, I asked my movie companion whether the traditional vampire rules applied to these Twilight vampires, and I learned the following:

– Twilight vampires are not harmed by garlic (heck, they are so chic they probably grow their own basil to make pesto for their vamp-dinners)

– Twilight vampires are not harmed by crosses (hard to keep up a proper goth look without them, I suppose)

– Twilight vampires are not harmed by stakes to the heart (this would piss off Van Helsing to no end)

– Twilight vampires are not harmed by the sun…

The sun? These vampires aren’t hurt by the sun? What exactly makes them vampires, again? Sure, they drink blood, but so does Billy Bob Thornton, and he ain’t no vampire either. I mean, there are quasi-precedents for this, like Blade, the Daywalker but even Blade was a huge anomaly in the vampire world, as he wasn’t 100% vampire.

You see, when Twilight vampires are exposed to the sun, they… well… they twinkle. Basically, when Twilight vampires have sun shined on them, they look like Mariah Carey. Jesus, could we soften up this monster legend any more? How about instead of fangs, the Twilight vampires have candy corn incisors, and instead of blood, they really lust after gazpacho soup.

The strange thing is, even after watching the entire movie, I learned almost nothing more about Twilight vampires that made any kind of sense at all. The movie is a perfect replication of the mind of a teenaged girl. The main character (a 17-year old girl) Bella, basically sits, and pines for her vampire boyfriend for 90% of the movie. She becomes depressed, she listens to her Ipod, she throws tantrums, she hangs out with the local neighborhood boy (the modern incarnation of Pacey), and melodramatically fakes suicide over and over in the hopes that her passive-aggressive vampire boy, Edward (Dawson), will come to save her. She sulks, she cries, she thinks about going to live with her mom, and then she goes off on a spontaneous (and random) jaunt to Italy to frolic with the tourists.

As expected, the movie was instantly forgettable — even now, details of the “plot” are rapidly falling out of my head. But, honestly, I can’t even say I disliked this movie as much as the Time Traveler’s Wife. Time Traveler’s Wife seemed harmful on several levels (in part by implanting the desire to marry abusive husbands). Twilight: New Moon is about as harmless as you can possibly get. And frankly, there are many movies from my teenage generation that mirror this plot exactly. Teenaged girl pines until she discovers a magical world of new powers and boyfriends?

Exhibit A: Teen Witch

Exhibit B: Labyrinth

Exhibit C: The male 80′s equivalent: The Lost Boys

So, yeah. I don’t think it comes as a surprise to anyone that a money-driven sequel based on a tired genre brings absolutely nothing new to the table. What’s disturbing is that no one seems to expect any blockbuster these days to bring anything new to the table. Is it possible that our pop-culture is stuck in some kind of mobius strip of bad children fare, followed by bad teen-aged fare, followed by bad superhero blockbusters, followed by bad middle-aged life dramas? Christ, American media is depressing.

The interview touches on many health-related Mep-centric themes, including not taking the word of doctors as gospel (see the 85% theory), seeking outside of the box treatments, and trusting yourself to be your own best advocate. It’s worth a listen. Below, you’ll find the trailer to the recently-released documentary.

I’m just sayin’.

I know previous rants about our obsession with child kidnappings and the weird things people say as a result have been met with mixed reviews. But the fact is that our culture is far too smitten with child kidnappings and murders. And I blame the media.

It’s not 100% the media’s fault, of course. They just put the information out there and the idiot Americans consume the information. At the same time, if the media could put the experience of taking crack cocaine into equally addictive words, shouldn’t they somehow be held liable for the resulting consequences?

We have found the lowest common denominator. It’s news stories about child kidnappings and murders. These things, while tragic and terrible, are not news. Even less are they news because the very few wealthy attractive kids are the only ones you hear about.

Do your part by never speaking of them again, never clicking on another piece about them. Well, y’know, after this article.

For too long babies who had plagiocephaly were the only ones who had to wear headgear.  They were “special” babies who needed to have a little help to make sure their head shape turned out normal as they grew.

Now, thanks to a new product on the market, “special” parents can put their babies in headgear too.  The Thudguard ensures that their babies will not lose brain cells bumping their heads against furniture like everyone elses babies; in a sense leveling the future playing field one fall at a time.

They say it trains boys up to “two months faster.”  I think I’d rather take the two months, but I’ve never potty-trained a boy before, so what do I know.

We have a problem people.  Babies like to show-off their bellies.  Well, we can’t stand for it anymore and OneStepAhead is helping us end it.  Let me introduce you to “Sta-tuct” and the end of baby shirts going above your baby’s belly.

Well, they’ve done it.  Bach, the makers of “Rescue Remedy,” have solved the problem of kids’ fear of failure.  Meet “Confidence Remedy”

the new addition to the Bach Kids line.  It can give your kids that “natural boost to aid in overcoming frustrating obstacles of self-doubt.”

So, to all those parents afraid of following in your parent’s footsteps by verbally abusing your child and shattering their self-esteem…Worry No More!  Just add a drop of this alcohol-free formula to their morning cereal and you’re good to go!

Also available, “Daydream Remedy,” for those neglected children who spend their whole day dreaming of what it would be like to have a caring, supportive family with whom they could spend quality time.

Two media giants combined forces today, promising to change our national film landscape forever. With the acquisition of Marvel Comics, Disney Corp has made a bold bid to incorporate popular superhero themes into its more traditional titles. Here is an exclusive sneak peak at some of its upcoming projects…

Beauty and the Thing is a tale of love between a young geneticist/princess and a rowdy, middle-aged pile of orange rock.

The Little Namor is the story of a young Atlantean Warrior Hero and his quest to rid himself of talking lobsters and guppies. This Atlantean Hero is not to be confused with his distant cousin, Deity of the Ramtha School of Enlightenment.

Finally we have the tale of a former drug boss and mafia don who finds a new life and cadre of underlings amongst the animals of the Serengeti as part of a stint in the Federal Witness Protection Program. Disney/Marvel’s, The Lion KingPin promises to enchant the viewer with its tales of drug trafficking, ritualistic killings, and friendship.

Did it occur to anyone else that the parents of these performers are young enough to have experienced most of these games firsthand? The age of video game genealogy is upon us.

MEP Report photographers have acquired this exclusive photo.

To confirm the reports, prior to posting this blog entry, MEP analysts compared the photo to a series of recent photos of Jon.

The resemblance is clear, says Dr. Russell Gooberman, MEP Report face analyzer.  “To see the resemblance,” explained Dr. Gooberman on a 4^th of July phone call from the south of France, “focus your attention on the nose and how it curves into the cheeks.  It has a 9 resemblance rating.  Then the jaw line and shape of the mouth, it goes without saying.  I would add, noting first that this isn’t my field, that the microphone technique is even spot on.  Although you’d have to speak to Dr. Storey Clayton, MEP Report microphone technique analyzer, to confirm that.”

“Definitely, the same,” said Dr. Clayton via email from the south of Iceland, “as a rough estimate, please don’t quote me, I’d say a 97.5% spot-on rating.”  “It is definitely closer than the microphone technique of any of the other pipsqueaks.”  (Icelandic children are often referred to as pipsqueaks.)

DEA agents and New York City’s finest were shocked last weekend to find yet another segment of society corrupted by the War on Drugs — Teddy Bears. In a raid on a Bronx safehouse, police and federal agents uncovered over 44 lbs of heroin and $150,000 in cash trafficked by the customizable bedtime friends known as Build-A-Bears.

According to one onlooking neighbor at the raid site:

My daughter has one of those toys. I’m very surprised something like that was going on right here and I’m especially surprised it was a Build-A-Bear.

While the news certainly comes as a shock to the community that calls the bears home, one wonders whether we might have seen this coming earlier. After all, these bears are so diverse in the way they choose to live their lives. There are firefighter bears, surgeon bears, even subprime mortgage-lending bears. Is it any wonder that some of these bears turned to the high-risk, high-reward lifestyle of smack trafficking?

In this economy, trying to eek out a living as a high school musical bear or a bear on a military pension just isn’t possible the way that it was in the halcyon days of beardom. A bear has got to make ends meet, just like anyone else.

Some will argue that these bears, as couriers, were just bit players; pawns in a game played by weathered New York City drug traffickers. And every single Build-A-Bear caught up in this mess will have his day in court. But before they go out and summon their fancy lawyer bears and publicity bears, they’ll have to own up to the part they had to play in this operation. Yes, these bears were built for a purpose. They were designed and raised as heroin mule bears. But does your build determine your fate? Does not every bear ultimately choose his or her own destiny?

Perhaps the most famous bear of all, Winnie the Pooh, once said:

People who don’t Think probably don’t have Brains; rather, they have grey fluff that’s blown into their heads by mistake.

Even bears with grey fluff upstairs should have known better on this one. Thanks, Pooh.

Originally posted on The Fresh Scent.

Senavene April 2008

A year ago, I took Senavene to the post office.  She was strapped to my front wearing all pink, half covered in a pink blanket, with a pink pacifier in her mouth.  Why?  We were given LOTS of pink, I swear.  I put “yellow please” on the registry, but I don’t think anyone paid attention.

Anyways, what did the teller ask me?  “How old is he?”  How old is HE?

After 14 months of this, I can honestly say I don’t care that people continue to call her a boy.  I’m told it’s common for babies with very little hair.  Most moms tape a bow to their daughter’s bare heads.  But honestly I don’t care.  I simply respond by telling them how old she is.  I’m more fascinated by how someone’s brain would ignore all the social clues in the form of pink paraphernalia and use the male pronoun.  Not only that, they quite often also say that “he is really beautiful.”  I can’t blame them.  I mean she is gorgeous.

Sent image to Wilhelmina kids, but no response...sigh, there's goes her College Fund

But again, I digress.  My question is: are most people stupid or are their brains on auto-pilot and make errors because there is no gender neutral pronoun?  People can’t say “how old is it?”  That would piss any parent off.  So, they either need a gender neutral pronoun or come up with some convoluted phrasing that sounds weird — “how old is your baby?”  “Pardon me, have you any Grey Poupon?”

So to continue the sexism, SNL came up with a skit focusing on MALE bald babies.  Because don’t we all feel bad for the bald male babies?

Pay no mind to creating something for the poor, misunderstood FEMALE bald babies.  Well not any more, thanks to the mental prowess of the fine people at Baby Bangs.  So, which one do you think we should get?  We’re taking votes.  I think I’m liking “Fairy Tale Flowers.”

Many other shows, on the other hand, do not, and this makes for either annoying or embarrassingly funny moments. Hence, this post thanks to the show “My Friend Rabbit” that our Tivo recorded thinking we might like it and that I watched, then deleted before showing Senavene because it’s retarded and stupid. But before deleting it, I made you a little edited clip. I hope you enjoy. Whether you see what I see and giggle your *&$% off…or you don’t see what I see and enjoy the educational cartoon…either way…enjoy. Please note, that if you are one of those that sees what I see, I highly recommend watching it again and again, each time catching more little silly moments fitting the theme.

Download Mep Report #109

Download Mep Report #108

Download Mep Report #106

Download Mep Report #103

Download Mep Report #102

Download Mep Report #101

Download Mep Report #84

Download Mep Report #79

Download Mep Report #74

Download Mep Report #68

Download Mep Report #64

Download Chipmunk Highlight

Download Mep Report #63

Download Mep Report #61

Download Mep Report #60

Download Mep Report #57

Download Mep Report #52

Download Mep Report #49

Download Mep Report #38

Download Mep Report #26