The Mep Report » Characters

Fear not, Earthlings!

Greg — Thu, 20 May 2010 22:33:15 +0000

We come in peace?

Okay. Obviously Olympic mascots aren’t something to which people pay a lot of attention. But if you’re hosting the Olympics in, say, 2012, and you’ve already had a few issues with some of your, ahem, graphic design choices, wouldn’t you make sure you had vetted everything properly before unveiling these?

There’s allegedly some really detailed story explaining the concept behind these mascots (named Wenlock and Mandeville, by the way), but let’s just get down to brass tacks: anyone who thinks anything other than “we will destroy you, pathetic mortals!” upon seeing these two hasn’t seen any vaguely scary science fiction movie, well, ever. Since most people in 2010 don’t fit this description, I think the designers may have missed the boat a bit here. As in being at the wrong port, on the wrong coast, on dry land “missed the boat.” You may welcome our Olympic mascot overlords, but as for me, I’ll stick with this guy. At least he’s got TWO eyes.

Emu Evades Cops

Storey Clayton — Fri, 07 May 2010 21:50:33 +0000

Perhaps in reaction to yesterday’s post, wherein the emu discovered that the police were not on his side, a South Carolina emu hoofed it away from law enforcement today.

“Police Lt. Joe Johnson said he wasn’t sure how he would phrase his report, saying the animal didn’t appear to break any laws, except perhaps running from police.”

Thanks to Mep friend Beth Mandel for the heads-up.

Off the Hook Haiti Benefit Rockomedy Concert

russ — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:29:05 +0000

Last night I went out to LA’s Wiltern theater to witness a once in a blue moon assortment of talent assembled by Jack Black and co. to raise money for Haiti earthquake survivors.

I recorded some fantastically washed-out grainy video in an attempt to share this experience with you. Not only do the following clips give you a sense of the performances, they also recreate the crowd’s futile attempts to see anything amidst a standing room only mob. In any case, enjoy the festivities:

A truly unexpected performance here from the WWF’s Iron Sheik.

Here’s the Shins’ James Mercer covering Neil Young’s Don’t Let it Bring You Down…

Genius comedian Patton Oswalt regaled the crowd with his angry musings before an Aimee Mann set.

He then brought the house down with his Yoshinoya Beef Bowl routine.

Here’s Ben Stiller vamping on stage with a mysterious figure referring to himself as ‘Fabreeze Fabreeze.’

A vindictive Stiller returned during Tenacious D’s closing act with a giant drum set…

All in all, a very compelling night of entertainment.

Ode to Abbott and Costello

Clea — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:31:08 +0000

I had a recent conversation with my mom that made me think of a modern day “who’s on first” scenario.

Stacey: Hey Tracy! How was your weekend?

Tracy: Hey girl! It was good. I saw a movie Saturday night.

Stacey: Awesome! What did you see?

Tracy: It’s Complicated.

Stacey: Oh, well, you don’t have to tell me.

Tracy: No, I don’t mind, It’s Complicated.

Stacey: Oh, it’s going to take awhile? Well, girl, that’s okay…I have all day!

Tracy: No, no, it won’t take long, It’s Complicated.

Stacey: Oh, well gee, come on, it’s not like I’m an idiot, just tell me the name.

Tracy: I am, It’s Complicated.

Stacey: You are what?

Tracy: Telling you, It’s Complicated.

Stacey: I get that it’s complicated, but I think I can handle it, so tell me already.

Tracy: Okay then, It’s Complicated.

Stacey: It’s complicated.

Tracy: Yes!

Stacey: Yes. Telling me is complicated.

Tracy: No, the movie, It’s Complicated.

Stacey: Oh! The movie is complicated.

Tracy: No, the movie is It’s Complicated.

Stacey: Well, hello, Ms. Bad Grammar. Well, anyway, the movie is complicated…so what’s complicated about it?

Tracy: Oh, nothing much, it’s a pretty straightforward plot, pretty derivative actually.

Stacey: Then why did you say it was complicated?

Tracy: I didn’t, I said that it was It’s Complicated.

Stacey: Yes, we established you don’t know proper grammar…can you just tell me the name of the movie already?

Tracy: Whatever, Stacey.

Stacey: Talk to the hand, Tracy.

Here’s the trailer where they pretty much show you the whole movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mt-l1liNjk0

Mamaaaaaaaaa!

Greg — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:43:54 +0000

We’re going to pretend that The Mep Report, hippest, hottest, most tuned in website to all things weird and wonderful on this great big Internet of ours, didn’t take four days to link to this work of art. We’d appreciate it if we just kept this minor oversight, you know, between you and us. Okay? Appreciate it.

What is The Third Sign?

Greg — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 08:02:33 +0000

It’s a puzzling question, especially if you’re one of the thousands who attended Gen Con 2009, the premier gaming and geek convention in the world…as you’ll see in this video. But the answer is out there: check this out for the scoop.

Steve Martin Short on Letterman

russ — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:05:27 +0000

Two of the inimitable Three Amigos trio were on Letterman last night. And they were in rare form.

“You son of a motherless goat!”

Triumph Makes Appearance at Chabad Telethon

russ — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:53:30 +0000

In wishing all you Meppers a Happy Jew Year, here’s a clip of Mep favorite Triumph the Insult Comic Dog inexplicably performing at LA’s yearly Chabad Telethon.

Star Trek is fun again. Fans are outraged.

Greg — Sat, 16 May 2009 17:56:17 +0000

Absolutely freaking brilliant…and dead-on accurate.

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As ‘Fun, Watchable’

Ahhhh, just kill the sorry bastard.

Greg — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 05:21:20 +0000

I’ll fully admit I’m not a House fan (though I am a fan of Hugh Laurie)–pretty much anything which goes out of its way to be gross at all costs isn’t likely to be a must (or ever) watch for me. But this story cracked me up. Apparently this guy:

Where the hell is Harold?

…is on House, or was (I just know him from the White Castle stuff). He’s killed himself off, you see, because…um…well…the actor is going to work for Barack Obama.

Yeah. Pretty much that’s it. Evidently Kal Penn, who plays the character Kutner on Fox’s mega hit, has been hired to be an associate director in the White House Office of Public Liaison–which Penn describes as continuing dialogue between citizens and their government and which actually means continuing the Re-Elect Obama 2012 campaign. (Hey, I love Obama–was honored to vote for him, have mostly been impressed with him as president thus far–but let’s call a spade a spade, folks.) I’m not sure what’s so tremendous about this job, but hey, working for the prez is a cool gig, I guess. So Penn told the show’s producers about it, and they decided to handle things by having the character kill himself, utterly out of left field. They even called it that:

“The first thing I [Penn] asked David Shore was ‘Do you want me to change anything? Do you want this to be informed that he’s struggling with something?’ And the answer was you know — not really. This is something that comes out of left field in episode 20, and we don’t want to lead anyone on and we don’t want to mislead anyone, it just is what it is and there’s no explanation for it.”

When the interviewer asks the producers (reasonably) why suicide, we get this:

“I guess obviously stirring the pot brings something to any show. Look, Kal came to us with his opportunities and we were very excited for him, but it created a creative problem for us. I’m very happy with the way it worked out. It gave us an opportunity to do something unexpected, and what’s fascinating about it is it’s a question that House can’t answer, and he’s the man who has the answers to everything. And it’s just so unexpected for the Kutner character and that was what was really exciting about it — the unexpected nature of it, and the fact that there are no simple answers, and nothing that House can figure out.”

Translation: So you think you can just walk out on us, you ungrateful piece of crap? Here, then–have a completely pointless suicide. No, we’re not going to explain it. There is no explanation. This makes no goddamn sense at all. That’s the point. Enjoy your cushy government job, you White Castle reject.

Next up: House decapitates himself with a butter knife after Laurie gets nominated to be ambassador to England. It’s just so unexpected!

Mep Report #109

russ — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 22:41:05 +0000

Vegas Baby Vegas!, Vegas sucks!, Vegas is tremendous!,
The Tale of the Poker Highlander, The Tale of the Galaga Highlander, Mentally Challenged Roleplayers, Just Do More Heroin, and Tokenphilia.

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Mep Report #108

russ — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 22:36:10 +0000

Lying Mothers and the Babies they Wield, Generic Chieftain Man and the Bear God Puku-Puku, Male Angst as Motivation for Human Sacrifice, Baseball as Religious Methadone, Aztec Hippies, and TMR Defeats MLB Attorneys in Pitched Battle.

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Mep Report #99

russ — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 22:18:45 +0000

Message Board Territoriality, The New Segue Sound Effect, THe Price is Right Chop Shop, Fairytale Elves vs. Fantasy Elves, The Last Great Viking Debate of ’07, St. Magnus the Fictional, Sabre-Tooth Tiger Soup, Dentist Holliday, And How Clangy was the Iron Age?

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Mep Report #94

russ — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 22:07:29 +0000

Russ Goes Boing Boing Boing, And Subsequently Runs out of “Units,” Speed Readers vs. Auctioneers, TMR Eats a Turkey Sandwich with the Devil, MassiveAwesomeErectionWebsite.com, The Adventures of Flying Buttress Boy, Greg Desperately Wants to Ridicule Navy Football, Force Lightning in a Can, Cows and Terrorists Conspire to Turn the World into a Slurpee, and Clea Ponders Why Tourists Enjoy Reaching Up the Bull’s Ass.

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Mep Report #78

russ — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 21:37:18 +0000

Vanilla Christ and Chocolate Moses, It’s Not Unusual for Russ to Be Alone… Because He’s Too Smart for People, the Birth of an ArrogantJerk, the Giant Flying Beaver’s Quantum Leap, Serious Vlogging, the Boston Digg Party, RIAA Puppy-Kicking Stakes, Greg Explains Why the Mep Report is On the Internet, Clea Winnebago-Ho-Chunk, Little-Known Stories of Kokopelli, Naked Hydration Via Torso-Licking, First Do All Harm, 09-F9, Diplomatic Immunity and Movie Threes, Peter Jackson’s Jesus-Gandhi-Buddha Application, We Like to Star-Wars Star-Wars, and Star Wars 255: Death of Chewbacca.

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Mep Report #75

russ — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 21:32:16 +0000

Microprofit, No More Mr. McCartney, Cell Phone Disabling Ring-Tone, Making Bounce Houses Out of Nothing at All, Bush Tears His Own Leg Off (by which we mean “Attacks Iran”), Iran Eats the British Hostages, Britain Sends in the Bobbies, Harry Potter Rules Gitmo, Greg Enjoys Russ’ Experience with Gratuitous Nudity, Humbaba Becomes Comfortably Numb, Incoherent Pretending to Sweat, and Russ’ Sumerian-English English-Sumerian Dictionary.

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Mep Report #74

russ — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 21:30:32 +0000

A Christmas Equinox, Apocalypse Then, Mass-Historians, Back to the Committee Meeting, the Cannibal Grandson of Hitler, Storey Litters Parallel Universes, The Meanwhile… 72-Screen Meanwhile… Universe Meanwhile… Movie, the Noble Global Lie and the Fastidious Gremlins, the Unbearable Lightness of February 2nd, ATHFTMR the Movie, Mutant Emu Reptile Chickens, 1980-4 Candidates, Honor Thy Good, TwitterOrkutFriendsterFacebook and the Unclickables, Storey Hides from Neo-Nazis, Phonemmercials, and the Mep Report Throws Russ on the Street.

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Mep Report #70

russ — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 21:23:30 +0000

The Power of the Dark Age, Intel EXTREME Graphics, the Legend of Music, Video Game Realism, Seizure-Protection Glasses, What Happens in Vegas Takes You Out Behind the Woodshed, Lip-Synching to Wax Cylinders, Radio Shack Rice-a-Roni, High Margin Items, Feeding Mr. Bob’s Kids, Corny Coke, NASCAR Nonsense, Harrison Bergeron Goes to Sports, Harnesses of Fire, and Russ Chooses Eyeball Implosion Over Being Within 23,999 Miles of a NASCAR Event.

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Nazi Mime (TMR Highlight)

russ — Sun, 07 Jan 2007 01:20:25 +0000

This highlight was so popular, it spawned its own t-shirt.

Download Nazi Mime Highlight

Mep Report #61

russ — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 21:09:10 +0000

Happyness is a Free Movie, From a D to an E, Storey Gets a Nerd Demotion, Coincidance, Bush: Stupid or Selfish?, We Solve the Iraq War’s Personnel Shortage with Gang-Bangers, Cops, Prisoners, Civil War Re-Enacters, Pinochet, Zombies, AI and Larry Brown, a REAL Earthquake, The Minor Earthquake Response Team, and Mushroom Shampoo.

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Mep Report #60

russ — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 22:03:27 +0000

The Six Miles of Heroism, McBears and Igloo Queens, Critical American Lives vs. The Meaningless Existence of the Feces People, Storey Unveils a Presidential Quiz Featuring Justin Timberlake, The Holocaust Convention That Wasn’t, Israel Rolls a D20, and Dave Goldberg The Long Island Werewolf Hunter (TM).

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Mep Report #57

russ — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 21:58:18 +0000

A Tienanmen Turducken, Storey Has a Doctor, Super Triple Migraine Fury Go Now, Russ’ Error of Comedies, The Michael Richards Dead Air Special, Tales of a Cracker, Pursuing Happiness in the Tenderloin, and Russ Finds True Love with the Princess of Power.

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Mep Report #55

russ — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 21:55:08 +0000

(Guest: Charles Cadenhead) Timeliness, the Crazy 2006 Election Special: Buddy Khavkhalash Appears, Storey Hates Paper Ballots, the Government Serves Stew, Exit Poll Impatience, Russ’ Vote Doesn’t Count, Negron Activate, Russ Misleads the BH, Finger Lickin’ Socialism, Oil Obfuscation, and the Penn State PreNatal Lions.

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Mep Report #52

russ — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 21:50:55 +0000

Unsolicited Magazines, Jack Attack, Publish or Perish, News from the Ivory Tower, the Los Angeles Angels of Academia, Ikea, An Audience of One, Laughtracks Live, Art Declared Dead, Paint on Me, and a 4-Year-Old Does the Mep Report?

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Mep Report #46

russ — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 21:42:04 +0000

Send Us an Emu, The Committee to Plan Committees Committee, Storey’s Felony, Russ Commits Mental Seppuku, and Why the Mep Report Will Never Have Strippers.

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Mep Report #28

russ — Thu, 04 May 2006 03:47:38 +0000

How to be a Mep Guest Without Really Trying, A Call from the Wild, Andy Fails to Guess Storey’s New Job, Podvertising, Forrest Gump Guest Stars, Fun with Plagiarism, and Determinism vs. Free Will.

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Mep Report #13

russ — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 19:55:03 +0000

Clea Wilson guest stars, Skating with the Stars, Fair-Use Policy, NNDB.com, Adventures in Furniture, Russ as Frank Oz, AOL Chat Rooms, and Clea tells a joke.

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Mep Report #12

russ — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 19:52:44 +0000

Storey Becomes Samuel Alito, Andy on Constitutional Law, Greg Becomes Darth Vader, Ono’s Restaurant, The Women of Karate Kid, Russ the Junior Vomit Comet, Sideways, Arrested Development, and Psychic Friends.