From time to time, I use this space to relate my frustration with the trappings of capitalism and its various profit-motivated aggravations. It is a constant wonder to me how badly people will treat each other when small pieces of dirty green paper are on the line.

I’ve banked with Wells Fargo for about a decade and a half at this point, and have been able to avoid all manner of fees and annoyance because I have a grandfathered account that’s almost older than the debate kids I coach. So while this mainline banking institution has hiked fees and lined its pockets with all manner of shady nickelings and dimings, I’ve enjoyed remarkably simple, direct, cheap financial services.

Until this week. When suddenly, with the end of the month, a $7.50 fee for using bill-pay shows up. I admit that I’d been leery of signing up for bill-pay as a new aspect of my free checking when I did it six months ago, but I did it six months ago amid promises of absolutely no fees ever I swear, so I went with it. And never got charged. And that was all well and good.

So I march into my local Wells Fargo (formerly Wachovia) and ask them why I was suddenly charged without warning or notice. And they tell me that $7.50 is just the cost of bill-pay. And I relate that I’d never been charged before. And they look with consternation at the proof this is true. And then realize that my account is a 14-year-old fossil of a bygone era.

And then they tell me the whopper of all-time to explain why I’ve suddenly been charged fees: “The federal government recently outlawed free checking accounts.”

They did what?

So I started poking around the Internet and Googling some things. And I’ve come upon articles like this that explain why free checking is fading. Not, however, why it’s illegal. Only why it’s illegal to try to bilk free checking customers out of additional moneys, and thus why banks no longer find it profitable to offer free checking. I can’t wait to go back into Wells Fargo and tell them what the reality of the situation is.

They tried to sell me a new account, of course, with bells and whistles. I instead cancelled bill-pay, got my fee refunded, and asked, in detail, whether other mystery random fees would start to pop up on my long-held account. They assured me absolutely not. So we’ll see. For now, they’re not forcing closure on my “illegal” account and that’s good enough for me. Since they haven’t outlawed the post office yet, I’m going back to checks and stamps.

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