Scientists have recently discovered evidence of an immortal species of jellyfish. Apparently these little suckers revert to an adolescent phase after mating, and can do so ad infinitum. And you laughed at me when I said I was going to live to be 400!
Take heart, friends. It is now only a matter of time before we unlock the cellular secrets inside these Holy Hydrozoans and sell their special genetic heritage in an easily digestible liquid capsule that also serves as birth control while providing instant male enhancement.
By my watch, only another 65 years or so before we are all forever-living, constantly aroused quasi-squids, living in stasis tanks with wi-fi ready electrodes hooked up to each and every tentacle.
Kudos to HG Wells for figuring this out a century ago (minus the Cialis angle).
A guy tried to pick me up the other day and it was so bad that I thought I would share how bad it was so that others can learn from his mistakes.
1) Do NOT try to pick up a woman while in a Pizza Hut line inside a Target.
2) DO notice that she is buying two individual size pizzas and is carrying a huge bag of diapers.
3) Do NOT try to pick up a woman while you are wearing a sleeping 1.5 year old in a carrier strapped to your front.
4) DO know that she helped you pick up the dollar bill you dropped because she thought you were a fellow parent and understood your situation. She did NOT do it to give you an opening to hit on her AND when she realizes that you took advantage of the situation to lure her into a conversation, she will NOT be happy. You don’t want to make momma unhappy.
5) Do NOT try to pick up a woman by asking her “Do you know any good restaurants around here,” followed by, “Do you know where this conversation is going?”
6) DO note that her wedding ring glitters brilliantly in the fluorescent Target lighting and she’s not just wearing the ring because her husband would be pissed if she wasn’t. She’s also wearing it to send a message to men just like you and the message is not “come hither you hunka hunka…ooo, is that an Ergo?”
Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sure this is a nice guy, and I’m glad he’s getting a chance to live the dream. But do you seriously mean to tell me that none of the other 11,999 entries into the EA Sports Jersey Creator Contest measured up to this design? Was it the “bullet-hole chic” which pushed this over the edge?
Seriously, a half-drunk Craig Sager could come up with something more stylish than this.
No I’m not suggesting we ban Mariah Carey’s attempt at movie making. Nor do I mean the harmless, though annoying, glitter graphics people add to their Myspace and Friendster pages. Finally, I’m not suggesting we waste our valuable legislative time banning Paris Hilton’s addition to the already overly saturated perfume industry. I’m making a simple request. Ban that stupid, little bitty, sparkly crap that they attach to greeting cards. All other forms of fairy dust are fine by me. After all, we Meppers hate the War on Drugs.
If Greg’s Leg Offends Him Cut it Off, An Offer Cancer Just Can’t Refuse, Kurt Warner Knows His Dante, Yes We Can Discuss the Inauguration, America is Marginally Worse Off (so America is in Huge Trouble), Money for Nothing (and Our Stocks for Free), America is Depressed and Storey Couldn’t be Happier, Clea Defends Shades of Gray, and Russ Still Thinks Most People are Stupid.
An unending deluge of Madoff-related shit continues to hit the fan. The newest story is that Mep alma mater, Brandeis University, is planning a fire sale to compensate for a crumbling budget. And the budget deficit is primarily due to several major donors’ associations with Bernie Madoff.
This… this is sheer genius. I confess a tinge of jealousy at not coming up with this one. The concept isn’t new, as several friends have expressed a belief to me in a “female hive mind.” But the execution here is nearly perfect.
I first saw this piece as part of a Mike Judge sponsored traveling animation show in Los Angeles. It was created by The Mill, a production company that usually wastes its vast talent and resources on television commercial effects. Fortunately for the artistic world, even TV commercial producers have spare time on their hands…